A Four Hour Feud
Being a father of teenagers is no picnic.
Being calm is hard. I know, tell me something you don’t know. I get it. Remaining levelheaded is one of the things that I really struggle with.
Today my wife and I received a full-on assault from my 17-year-old daughter, who struggles with OCD and autism. You want to talk about keeping your cool in the presence of a 17-year-old with a grudge.
When I am being told that we are dehumanizing her for taking away her phone privileges for the day.
When she tells my wife and me that we do the bare minimum for what a parent should do, it can feel very degrading.
Hearing things like this absolutely makes my blood boil. I am a good father, but I do have my faults. I am more thin-skinned than I would like to be.
When she is being fed all of this information that she shares with her friends online that supports her point of view, how does one battle that? She continues to get reinforcement from all these kids that are also teenagers, which then develops in her mind this justification that what I am doing as a father is not adequate. It becomes quite disheartening.
After putting 17 years of parenting in plus the addition of two more girls later on, I think I have at least some sense of what parenting is about. I don’t have all the answers, but being told that I am putting in the bare minimum really hurts.
The years of therapy, the thousands we have spent in copays, and the nightly talks to settle down her anxieties consume so much time. These are all things I have done without hesitation because she deserves a good life, and I will do everything I can to provide her with those things.
We aren’t rich by a long shot, but we are lucky enough to live in a single-family home. She gets her own room and as much privacy as she desires. She struggles with mental illness, but I am there for her 24/7.
I have struggled with depression and experienced some of the things that my oldest daughter has as well. I am able to relate to her on some level, but there are times when I can't get through to her, and it is heartbreaking.
Then there are days like today when I don't even want to see her even a little bit. The constant bad attitude and the unending barking at her sisters even if they make a noise make it very hard to like her in that moment. (please don't judge me.)
The constant struggle to motivate her to do anything social is exhausting. When I finally get her out the door to do something, it is always the same thing. She points out every fault that she can think of to not return again and most times doesn't even last the length of whatever event.
I realize that we are in an age of technology that causes people to become very attached to their phone. It has become like another appendage to most people. I count myself in this category as well.
But taking that phone from her today was like I did something so egregious, so against the law that I deserved a life sentence. Four hours of fighting and crying and carrying on.
Staying calm is hard. As a dad (Libéraldad), I am quite exhausted today. I love my daughter and I always will. She is a wonderful artist and an excellent student. She solves math problems in her head that I need a calculator for. She is an incredibly empathetic friend to people and is always willing to talk to those that are hurting.
I don't like feeling like a failure at parenting, especially when both my wife and I know how much has been sacrificed for her.
Thank you all for reading.
I love you guys.
Erik
(Liberaldad)
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I’d never judge a parent of teenagers! Been there, done that. I even took my teen’s phone once as a consequence. She’d been warned, but the carry-on afterwards was insane. You would have thought I’d ripped her arm off! She even accused me of abuse. I told her,” No, sweetheart, that’s called setting boundaries. You had a warning , and you chose to ignore it.” Sometimes it feels like we’re not getting through, but they do listen. We love our kids… but it doesn’t mean we have to like their behavior! Your daughter is angry, so she’s going to lash out. Let her….unless she crosses a line. Let her vent to the wall as you walk away! Stay strong, dad! You got this!
As a parent of two grown children, a retired teacher with certification in special education, I do have some experience and respect with what you are going through. This is HARD. I get it. With what you have shared here, it seems like you are doing a great job. Please be good to yourself where you can.